Fifty Shades of Grey: the Review

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Note: This post is LACED with spoilers for both the movie and the book. If you haven’t read the book and are thinking about checking out the movie – this post, still won’t make sense – but I do encourage you to go see the movie and come back to check this out. And no – I’m not trying to rip off this much longer Buzzfeed post, but it is genius and I suggest you check it out after mine. 

Fifty Shades of Grey.

This movie had me from the second it started: “I Put a Spell On You” was the perfect opening song choice and Christian running along a seawall with seagulls and the ocean is this nautical girl’s porn.

I mean, if we’re being totally honest here.

From the absolutely hot sex (that was also incredibly tasteful in a way only a woman director could produce – props to Sam Taylor-Johnson) to the nature of the subject (for the hundredth time – this is not about abuse, this is a movie about fantasy, romance, and more importantly: consent) – Fifty Shades of Grey was truly everything I wanted it to be and then some.

Which I totally flailed about in my post-movie reaction on opening night.

But when getting down to the nitty gritty, what did I really think about it? Ask and you shall receive (we aim to please) – here are Fifty Thoughts I had about Fifty Shades of Grey.

AND because I’m not completely delusional, I even included some shade throwing for things I didn’t like. Shocker, I know, but truth be told – there wasn’t much I didn’t like!

Ready? 

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1. Christian. Seagulls. Ocean. Stop. I love this movie already.

2. Throwing Shade: No one ever gets rockstar parking in a big city like that. No one.

3. Throwing Shade: That fall? Fifty shades of no, Ana. What did you trip on, air?

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4. The entire interview scene was utter perfection. Dakota killed it. Jamie owned it. The pencil deserves an Oscar.

5. “If you’re attracted to that…. type of human…” And now I want a chicken salad sandwich. Thanks Ana.

6. Jose is Jacob. Let’s never forget that.

7. Hardware stores are sexy. “I could just take my clothes off.” Yes, yes you could Christian.

8. Throwing Shade: the Paper Hound scene was cut from the movie. It’s an awesome bookstore I would have loved to have seen in the movie.

9. “Mr. Fancy Pants.” When drunk dialling in a movie is almost as good as the sex.

10. “I will launder this item.” is the new “That is Mahogany!”

11. Things I didn’t know would arouse me: a man bitting off a piece of toast.

12. “Fuck the Paperwork.” Yes, let’s.

13. Throwing Shade: The elevator scene was way too short.

14. Nice bum Ellliot. Thank you whoever’s idea it was to have Luke Grimes naked in this movie.

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15. Laters Baby. Somehow this worked and I was really worried it wouldn’t, so I was pleasantly surprised when it did.

16. Throwing Shade: Ana. Seriously. Where is your purse?

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17. Charlie Tango. Full body shiver inducing and the song selection (Ellie Goulding’s ‘Love Me Like You Do’) was the perfect choice for maximum shivers.

18. “Where have you been?” “Waiting.” I still can’t decide if this makes me cringe or hot and bothered. Let’s call it a bit of both.

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19. Two words: Bedroom Eyes. Jamie owns them.

20. Dakota: Congrats on your appropriate upper leg hair and, well, other hair. I LOVE this small but mighty detail that Sam Taylor-Johnson kept.

21. That piano scene though.

22. That tie though. Note to self: only date men who wear ties at least once a week.

23. Christian’s mother arriving. Let me tell you. I once met a new boyfriend’s parents with sex hair. Best in-law relationship of my life. It’s totally fine Ana, you’ve got this.

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24. On the drive home, let’s take a walk so I can give you the most adorable yet sexy kiss, followed by perfect forehead kiss of life. Okay then.

25. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – no one wears a crisp white shirt like Jamie Dornan. No one.

26. The ‘It was nice knowing you’ email – Ana is my people.

27. I’m going to forget that it’s creepy you were in her apartment Christian because your hair and your face and your everything. And because in the book, Kate totally let you in.

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28. Christian standing there drinking wine while she’s all tied up and dying in anticipation. Could he look any hotter?

29. Beyonce’s ‘Haunted’ FTW. This was my running song all of 2014. I think it will remain that way for 2015.

30. “Find Anal Fisting – strike it out.”

31. “What are butt plugs?” These are important questions.

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32. “I’d like to fuck you into next week.” We’d like you to do that too, Christian.

33. Playroom Sex – Round One. Let us all thank thee who selected the playroom jeans.

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34. Let’s also take a moment to thank God for Jamie’s sex lines.

35. This whole playroom scene. I can come up with 50 reasons why this scene was perfection starting with the slowed down version of Beyonce’s ‘Crazy in Love’ but can we talk about those handcuffs? Yeah. Those. 

36. Panty sniffing. I still can’t decide if I’m grossed out by this or turned on. I think it’s the former.

37. Throwing Shade: I wish Ana didn’t look as frail and exhausted as she did when he carried her out of the playroom. I think my mind originally spent so much time thinking that was him carrying her out after the ending scene when we first saw it in the trailers, that I default to thinking Ana looks like she’s in pain, not just exhausted. I get that she’s blissed out, but I wish we saw a bit more of that in her face.

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38. I like men who can dance, therefore I approve of this dancing.

39. Christian’s “Girl – why didn’t you tell me you were going to Georgia face” is on point.

40. “Palm twitchingly mad.” I would gladly be thrown over his shoulder any day.

41. Things that turn me on: Christian in leather jackets riding in expensive cars with drivers.

42. Oh, I see Elena Lincoln’s number in your contacts Christian. So here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson….

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43. Another Cosmo? This scene was everything I wanted it to be and then some and Ana’s “Holy fuck.” was A+.

44. Christian ordering a drink is also porn to me. I have no shame.

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45. The Glider Scene: At first I was like, “Nope, Nope, NOPE.” but then I was like “Yes. Yes. YES.” Bonus: the song choice was spot on.

46. “Is this more?” “So much more.” Let’s collectively swoon.

47. Throwing Shade: Playroom Sex – Round Two. This was just awkward for me. Mostly because I keep thinking ‘I would be WAY too ticklish for that flogger’ but also because homegirl just flew across the country and probably doesn’t want to get whipped with a flogger at this time.

48. Show us how bad it can be, Christian. Do it. I’ll admit, I knew this would be the hardest scene to watch on screen. And it was. But dammit if it wasn’t shot perfectly.

49. “Ana.” “Christian.” Door closes. Oh I see what you did there and I am NOT okay with it.

50. No really. I am NOT OKAY WITH THIS.

So – tell me. What did YOU think of Fifty Shades of Grey? Leave me a note in the comments below or tweet me YOUR reactions @crystalcrichard.

xx

PS: Don’t forget to come back tomorrow night at 7:00pm EST and join me as I live-blog this year’s Oscars! And don’t forget to tell a friend or two. The more the merrier!

3 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Grey: the Review

  1. I have been anxiously awaiting you review, and I LOVE that you did it this way. Now… let’s talk. :)

    #9- YES! Maybe one of my favorite scenes. Dakota Johnson did “Drunk Ana” to perfection! Annnnddd, maybe it made me remember my own life as a drunk twenty-something. I cringe.

    #11- LOVED that. Hello!

    #20- Good detail to keep, but that merkin… it was bad. Looked like Barbie doll hair or bad hair plugs. Not impressed.

    #27- Detail I forgot. Glad you reminded me that Kate let him in. THAT should have been included in the movie so all the anti-Shadesers would STFU about him breaking an entering.

    #30 & 31- But really. That whole scene. “Strike vaginal fisting as well.” Um, yeah, please do.

    #36- I cringed. Definitely grossed out. Makes me think of sexual deviants in murder movies… not sexy.

    #37- Yes. Didn’t play that well.

    #50- NOOOOO!!! Listen, even if I didn’t like the movie (I did), I’d have to go back to the next one because I CAN NOT handle cliff hangers like that!

    And finally, I just have to share Corey’s favorite moment from the movie – “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” Haha… he laughed nearly out loud in the movie, and he’s been saying it all week. :)

    Thanks for another great review, Miss C!

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