Fifty Shades: the Morning After

FiftyShadesofGrey_allbloggedupNote: This post was written immediately following my viewing of Fifty Shades last night in a state of flails and feels at midnight. It includes inputs from a very vocal Mel – my seasoned movie partner in crime. Apologies for typos and general flails.

Things uttered within minutes of leaving the theatre tonight:

1. Every expletive in the book, include combination expletives and ones we should probably all go to confession for.

2. “I need to go home and lay in my bed and just think about all of this.”

3. “I feel like I just had two hours of the best sex of my life.”

Need more?

Next week, you will get the full review. Today, you get the raw one. Completely spoiler free

For starters, tequila prior to the movie was a FANTASTIC idea. Three double margaritas played a huge role in keeping me in my seat and squealing at lower frequencies.

Dakota Johnson. Whoever suggested Dakota Johnson for the role of Anastasia deserves bragging rights for the rest of their life and then some. Dakota NAILED it and absolutely stole the show. Hands down. From her blushing, her facial expressions, and her ‘crocodile tears’ (as Mel put it) – she’s got a HUGE career ahead of her.  She also made Ana WAY better than book Ana, supporting the reviews that are saying Sam Taylor Johnson (director) did what EL James couldn’t do with the story: made it even better.

Also. Dakota gets huge props for being naked for about 73% of the movie (as Mel very scientifically concluded).

Jamie Dornan. Jamie was everything I wanted Christian to be and then some. From the body to the face to the tousled, grab-able, hair…. I couldn’t even contain my inner goddess when he was on the screen. And his entire wardrobe? Fifty shades of perfection. Whoever steam pressed all those white shirts? I love you. I love you. I love you. And while his Irish accent seeped through on a few occasions, it wasn’t as bad as I had expected from the trailers. And his facial expressions in a certain ending scene – I cannot.

Lastly: playroom jeans.

You are going to laugh. What was most shocking is how funny this movie actually is. In fact, the contract discussion scene was quite honestly one of the funniest and probably one of my favorite non-naked Jamie Dornan scenes.

You are also going to feel uncomfortable. If you’ve read the books, yes. That final scene? It’s going to be harder to watch on screen than it was to read but Dakota and Jamie pull it off so well that you’ll survive.

There is A LOT of sex but it is done tastefully and well. And again – tequila or ativan will help you from spontaneously combusting into a pile of female hormones. Trust me.

The scenery was spectacular. Knowing it was filmed in Vancouver and having visited so many of the filming locations (read more here) I found myself frequently thinking – There’s Stanley Park! Oh hey Gastown! But they pulled it off well and I spent two hours feeling as though I was transported to Seattle.

There is no Inner Goddess and that made my Inner Goddess fist pump.

You will love the secondary characters but Kate definitely wins. And Jacob Jose is clueless in true Jacob Jose fashion.

The soundtrack was stellar. I mean, I downloaded it all on Tuesday when it was released on iTunes. Much of it was released prior. But the placements in the movie were magical and Beyonce’s two songs ‘Crazy in Love’ and ‘Haunted’ had the utmost perfect placement.

And yes – all of my five most excited to see on the big screen scenes lived up to my expectations and then some.

Because, elevators.

What did you think? How many times will you be seeing it this weekend?


3 thoughts on “Fifty Shades: the Morning After

  1. I just drove for an hour and a half…and I am still sifting my way through the thoughts of all the things… A second viewing must happen soon. I don’t know how you were able to write this, you deserve a medal!

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